Sunday, February 28, 2016

Red Carpet Recap: Oscars 2016

It's OSCAR NIGHT! This date has been written in my calendar for months and months. Yes, I'm a person who writes major award shows in her planner because I know that I need to be writing one of these things for y'all and I can't be double booking myself. Several years ago I didn't plan ahead and we were in Disney World on Oscar night and I was using crappy hotel internet to write a blog and it was just not my best moment. So I schedule this business! 

As usual, I'd like to remind everyone that I am sitting on my couch in yoga pants, a t-shirt from Target, no makeup, and my hair in a pony tail. I also got my eyebrows waxed yesterday and I had some kind of a reaction to the wax so I have a million little red bumps all over my brow area. Every person in this recap looks 10 million times better than me. I am writing silly things about red carpet fashion that I know absolutely nothing about. Most of my clothes come from Old Navy. All these people are fabulous and beautiful and should pay no attention to this stay-at-home-mom from Katy, Texas and all of her foolishness. 

Without further ado.... LET'S GET IT STARTED IN HERE

This is really cool and unique. I would not have chosen yellow but the dress itself is cool. The bottom reminds me of ice cream and I have very positive feelings about ice cream. 

Y'all know how I feel about this color. LOVE. I don't love the little jellyfish tentacles billowing around her but the cut and the belt and the train and the color are just gorgeous. 

"Oh, fashion designer person... This dress is beautiful. Thank you for designing it for me. I love the color of it and I will look amazing in it. My only request is that you add a lot of silk flowers to it, especially on the shoulders. No, bigger. BIG. SILK. FLOWERS. I want to look like a Butterfly Garden. Yes, that's it. Thank you."


Okay they are kind of precious. Her dress is super cool. Why she chose to not use this occasion as the perfect excuse for a blingy necklace is beyond me. 

LOVE this. I want her ring and her earrings and her bracelet. She's like one giant diamond. I would wear this to all the fancy places I go.  #Kroger

She is SO CUTE ALL THE TIME. And look! A bump!

Earring perfection. Bump perfection. I totes looked like this for both of my pregnancies. Except add like 4 more chins and about 3 more inches to the arms.

This pattern was also on a dress I got at Gadzooks in 1997. 

Four different bridesmaid dresses banded together and forced themselves onto Heidi Klum. She chose to wear 3 corsages as her accessories. 

When I see pale red heads look like this it gives me all kinds of hope for my future. #PaleRedheadsUnite

Don't get too close to Jared Leto.... his flower tie squirts ink at you. And his shoes look like Little Debbie Cupcakes. 

WINNER. Y'all. I LOVE this. Love. It's so very Oscar's and classy and she just wins. Love her. Love.

I want her haircut. 

One of the better things she's worn lately. Her earrings look like washers, but I'm gonna let that slide. 

I'm all conflicted. The cut of this dress is perfect for her. I'm just sad the designer put down the taffeta  fabric and instead chose to use Glad ForceFlex.

Once again, Skinny McPencil has arrived. 

"I just got a bunch of fabric and gave it a tuck here and a fold there! A tuck! And then a fold! A tuck, and a tuck, and a FOLD FOLD FOLD! I'M JUST SO HAPPY ABOUT IT!!!"

Listen, Olivia Pope. Why are you all chummy with your dad again? He's bad news, sister friend. And don't start getting all jealous over Fitz. You left him cause you didn't want that life. FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT. 

Bedazzle that jacket!

Is it a dress? Is it pants? It's both?! It's like the Skort of evening gowns!

Oh, Leo. As I write this, your category has not yet been announced... but I so hope you win. You are the Susan Lucci of the Oscars. 

"Wrinkle up some foil and I'll wear that."

I just like them very much. 

I actually really like this for Mindy. She takes risks a lot... and this isn't nearly as quirky as she usually goes with but it's still got a lot of character for her and I think she is just beautiful.

I don't like the color orange but this is a great dress. (Edited to add: when she presented an award on the show the dress looked much more red and it was so much better.)

What does this dress remind me of?

Oh, there it is...

The back of this is very cool. The front of it had her ta-ta's everywhere. 

"I'm not wearing socks, and I'm not smiling."

This reminds me of wallpaper in a restaurant bathroom. 

RACHEL. I adore her always. She looks great and I love this color. 

Reese in purple! Excellent choice, lady!

Her number one goal in life is to never smile, ever. NEVER.


I was so overwhelmed by the hair color and the texture and the choke collar.... I didn't know what to say about this. I texted this pic to my friend, Tiffany, and said "Say something funny about this." She wrote back:
So I'm gonna go with that. 

Sarah announced the nominees in a category and as she talked and told her jokes, Grant said "Her body moves independently of her dress" which was exactly right. It was weird. Also, is she dating Michael Sheen now? Are they a thing? How interesting...

I am so glad she is detouring from the same mermaid silhouette she wears all the time. She really is just so beautiful. 

Bangs and a Bowtie, y'all. Bangs and a Bowtie. 

Oh, my Tina. Her dress is beautiful and her necklace is amazing. I would like her hair to be a little softer but all in all she's a gem. 

What is happening with the hand jewelry

Her purse has a pony tail!

The award show was funny but weird and the "Thank You Ticker" at the bottom of the screen was hilarious and awesome. I would like to have a thank you ticker for major events in my life. After my next birthday I'm going to send a video out to my friends in my family and underneath it will be the Thank You Ticker:

"Jenny would like to thank the following people: Her sister for the Target gift card..... Grant for sending her off for a pedicure....", 

Or can you imagine people using a thank you ticker after a wedding? Or a baby shower?! Just send all your guests a link to a YouTube video and have a Thank You Ticker scrolling across. Easy peezy. 

Goodnight, my friends. Thanks for reading :)

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