Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Yesterday Was My Fault

Yesterday was not my best mama day. I'm gonna go ahead and own that. It was not a good day around here, and it was probably my own fault.

Jack woke up at 5:30 for a bottle and after he finished it he decided to stay awake and play rather than go back to sleep. I was snapping out of a deep sleep and wasn't quite ready to be awake for the day, but I didn't have much of a choice. I tried to be happy and cheerful, which wasn't all that hard at first because Jack was laughing and smiling and just being his chubby, happy self. But as the hours ticked by I was still tired and he became less content.

To add on to all of this, it was a gloomy, rainy day and I was just wanting to curl up on the couch with a blanket and do nothing. But my children - they do not allow that kind of a day.

I was snippy with them. I was cranky. I put my workout clothes on thinking that we would go to the Y and I could run off some of my bad mood, but we never made it. Ellie wasn't being a good listener, she broke something, she spilled something on the couch, we went to the grocery store and it was raining and I unloaded all the groceries and she was asking approximately 479 questions (THAT IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION) throughout all of it.

At one point I said, "I DON'T WANT TO ANSWER QUESTIONS ANYMORE." She actually just said okay and walked away. Remind me to try that strategy again.

Around 1:30 or so, I texted Grant and said "I could use some prayer. I'm in a horrible mood and she's not helping."  He called and we talked a bit - I told him that I was just cranky and this was probably not as bad as it was in my head. It was one of those moments where my kids probably could just blink and I would feel like they did that wrong too.

Admittedly, my child is indeed chatty and opinionated and if you aren't in the right kind of mindset for that kind of enthusiasm and energy and demanding-ness then the day can be a little trying. That was yesterday.

At one point, Ellie got in trouble for breaking something that I had told her not to touch. After she finished crying, we hugged and kissed and I told her that I loved her. She said "do you forgive me, Mommy?" I told her "of course." And then she said "Mommy, I forgive you too." Now, what she was implying was that she forgave me for putting her in time out for breaking something that she had been told not to touch. She disobeyed. She was put in time out. There's no reason for me to be apologetic about that. But when she said it, I realized that I wasn't being a very nice mommy yesterday. I was snippy, dismissive, and feeling sorry for myself. And that kind of attitude isn't what makes a joyful home.... and I really do strive to have a home full of fun and joy. It's the best way to live life.

I kept trying to snap out of it. I prayed. Listened to some good music. Ate a cookie. Had another cup of coffee. But I just couldn't do it.

When I woke up this morning, I was so thankful. It's a NEW. DAY. Me and my babies are going to have a new day. God's mercies are new every morning, and I got a fresh start today and another chance to stop whining about how tired I am (and how hungry I am) (I'm still not eating pasta or bread) (words can not express how badly I wanted Kraft Macaroni & Cheese and a Diet Coke yesterday) and move forward with a day where I'm actually productive and kind to others.

Today is a better day. And I'm very thankful for that.

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