Sunday, January 10, 2016

Golden Globes 2016: Red Carpet Recap!

I read an article earlier today talking about the big money that goes into the dresses for these red carpet events. Apparently, an actress can earn UP TO HALF A MILLION DOLLARS for wearing a certain dress. Like, a designer would pay someone $500,000 American Dollars to wear their dress that night.

I would just like the designers of New York and Paris and Los Angeles and wherever to know that I am currently taking offers. Make me an evening gown. I will wear that sucker all over Katy, Texas. 

I will wear it in the carpool line.

I will wear it in the Kroger.

I will wear it to church. (This is a big one, as I sometimes sing on stage so this would give you more exposure.)

I will wear it in my living room.

I mean, those are all of the places that I go, so clearly the world is your oyster. 

Heck, for the month of January only, I'll even wear it for the bargain price of $250k.

TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, OSCAR DE LA RENTA.

Please note that I like jewel tones and would like my cleavage to be covered and my arms to look very very skinny. Thank you. I look forward to receiving your packages.


Amy! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN! You're beautiful and I've missed you. 


I don't know who she is but she wins the Best Earrings Award of 2016!

Okay.... you know what the design on her dress reminds me of? 

It reminds me of one of those ink blot tests. I think I see a butterfly. 

 Amy Schumer has the prettiest eyes.


 I feel like our friend Leo is about to do the "Bend and Snap." I mean look at the leg positions!


The Damons are adorable. I love that color and her eye makeup is perfection. 

POLKY DOT TUX, Y'ALL.

I know this is simple but it is pretty gosh darn perfect.

Yellow and diamonds! What a great look! 

But I know someone who probably wasn't thrilled with Ms. Ferrera wearing this gorgeous yellow dress:


 AWKWARD.

Y'all know J.Lo. was like SHE STOLE MY LOOK and probably fired a stylist. 

I'm just glad Jennifer Lopez decided to veer away from her standard plunging, wide neckline, hip-high slits, and big top knot on her head with nude lips. Way to think outside the box, J.Lo! Unfortunately, America Ferrera thought in the same box you did. 

 Jane Fonda brought in a wedding cake designer and requested that they add some frosting to her bodice. That, or she really was going for the "My head is sticking out of a ruffled table skirt" look.

I like that ball gowns are slowly making a comeback. This is just beautiful.

Hi, Jim Halpert. I miss you and I love you and please tell Pam and the kids that we say hi. I MISS YOU.

Nude lips. Nude color dress. Nudity. 

AND THE NECKLACE AWARD OF 2016 GOES TO JENNIFER LAWRENCE

Good gracious that necklace is everything.


 Okay, the dress is really impressive - but can we just have a minute about her collar bones and her neck?! GOOD. GRACIOUS. I think my chin and my second chin are bigger than her whole head. 

WELL. DONE. KATE.

You forgot your socks, Kev. 

This dress is legit cool. 

Her ta-tas are everywere but her makeup is flawless.

LADY ROSE! This is BEAUTIFUL!

I like her very much. She always makes the best choices on red carpets. Timeless and elegant and classy. 

It's against her religious beliefs to smile. 

I like this dress a lot - I just need her to put on some lipstick. 

Not gonna lie - I like this dress and I like that color and I LOVE that necklace and she is so pretty and her hair is so pretty and that's what I think about all that. 

Helen  Mirren is giving J-Law a run for her money in the necklace winner award. Gorgeous.

Another necklace contender! This is such a great look. 

Mrs. Anna Bates! I am going to finish this blog and then I'm going to curl up on the couch and spend an hour with you and Lady Mary and the rest of the Downton gang. Your dress is beautiful and your earrings are beautiful and I hope very much that you and Mr. Bates have a baby. 

Did y'all know this girl is married to Johnny Depp? For real. She is. Also, her floral neckline looks exactly like a wreath of flowers I wore on my head as a child when I was a flower girl. Maybe I should find that wreath and open it up and wear it as a collar on my Target t-shirts. 

I love Nancy Carrell's dress. 

I mean this is just FUN. 

This might be my very most favorite look on Queen Latifah EVER.

I adore Rachel McAdams and every movie she makes. The back of her hair was really, really awesome and this dress is unique and I like her.

Her waist looks just like my waist. 

What is going on with these people

I would say something snarky about Jason's shoes, but wait till you see what's coming a few photos below this....


Hi. I brought my own table cloth. Look at it. 

Not. Loving. His. Hair.

Aziz doesn't know what to do with his hands or his body. 

This is very, very, very pretty on her. I mean. She looks beautiful. 

WHAT IS HAPPENING HELP ME PLEASE WHAT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME THIS WAS A DARE OR A LOST BET. It looks harmless enough until you see his FEET.

His toes are painted. Y'ALL WHY.

HE'S WEARING A NAHVY BLUE TUXAHDO. 

Okay, my friends. I think that's all for tonight. The man in the platform heels is more than I can wrap my head around. I'm going to go watch Downton and see some more modest fashions and think about a time when the most scandalous thing a woman could wear was pants. 

Donatella Versace - have your people contact my people to discuss the gown you will be designing for me to wear to Shipley's Donuts. 

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